your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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