White coat. Heels.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
