did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
