I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
