I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
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I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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