I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
