I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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