His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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