Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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