Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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