I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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