whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
