Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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