I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
