So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
