I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
