Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize