Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
