I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize