guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Oh god it's open bar.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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