I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.