the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.