We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
