I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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