just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
