peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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