Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
