I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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