I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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