Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
