hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
