did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
