I didn't shave. On purpose
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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