bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
