Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
