I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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