i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i believe in u and ur pee
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