i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
