I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
