Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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