his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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