My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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