Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
