i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
