Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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