Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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