We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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