I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
