I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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