I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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