I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I have fence marks all over my body
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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