weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
