I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
