So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
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The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
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I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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