I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
