im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
