he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
