Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
