The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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